Reflection #3 So... Have I Changed?

Michael

[Read reflections #1 and #2 first]

Yet, in saying all I've said in the past two blogs, I'm not going to come back from India and start a charity, I'm probably not even going to start giving more to charities, and I'm definitely not going to give up my life of luxury and convert to an ascetic life of monasticism up in the Himalayas. India has had a profound effect on me, but in a different way. Seeing all the smiles brought onto the faces of kids as a result of being surrounded by friends and tight-knit families, spending a month creating some of the most fulfilling and rewarding memories of my life with a great group of boys, I'm now resolved to make more time in my life for connection with friends and time spent with family. Leaving for India I thought I would come back and want to lock myself in my room for a month after the emotional exhaustion of the past 31 days. Instead I find myself emailing my parents asking them to head to the batch with my grandparents and a friend as soon as I get back.

India has also taught me the value of talking. Maybe this sounds obvious but until this trip, openly discussing my emotions was something of a rarity. Yet getting the opportunity to talk candidly in debrief as well as sitting down and having deep chats with mates have led to some moments of astounding self-reflection and self-discovery. Oftentimes, I've had plenty of half-formulated thoughts whirling around in my head. Here, starting to properly ponder them and articulate what I feel has given me greater clarity about how I'm feeling about life. When you speak something out loud and put it into words, it's suddenly so much easier to understand and to confront.

In saying this, I still struggle greatly with what I'm going to tell people when I return. Despite all these grand philosophies and platitudes, I don't know how to truly convey to people the experiences of the last month. On my return I'm expecting the inevitable question 'what was it like?' and have rehearsed an answer. I plan to say, "It was hectic, incomprehensible and indescribable" but this explanation feels lacking and unsatisfactory. When I whip out my camera to show people the photos I've taken, I'll have to preface it every time by saying "You won't truly understand the photos until you see it for yourself."

Ultimately, I worry and I know that people will be like I was before the trip. I'll tell them about India and the effect it has had and they'll nod and say 'wow'. But perhaps also they'll quietly think to themselves "Come on, you don't really feel like that, India hasn't changed you, you're not a different person." And I'm not, I'm the same person, you don't change, but what changes are your experiences and your memories that shape your outlook in the future. I can safely say that india has been full of experiences and memories that I expect will have an impact and an influence on the rest of my life.

So has India changed me? Well, yes, it has. But when typing this, I can't help but nearly cringe. I feel like no one will believe me or truly understand what I mean until they see this country for themselves and experience all that I have experienced in this indescribable place.

I think most of all, India has taken me out of my comfort zone. I have felt and seen life at some of its best and worst, brightest and darkest. Out of my comfort zone I have made more friends, more memories and had more experiences than in any other month of my life. And I'm not so keen to come back inside.