My Feelings While in Bed

Rowan

It is very hot in our room.
It is so hot, yet I can't change position in my bed.
I don't want to be sick again.
I am afraid because it hurts.
I don't know if Kolkata has more to offer me.
I don't want to know.
I just want to stay in bed because going outside could expose me to more pain.
Only in my bed do I feel safe.
I think I am home sick.

I keep waiting for someone to crash, I don't know if I actually want to see them crash but it would just make more sense. The other day I couldn't get the car started because I had it in drive not park. My mum is always around to help me when I am incompetent. A couple nights ago Leo was sick all by himself, I can't imagine the isolation I would feel in his position. As sick as I was last night, I craved other people's presence because it distracted me from the churning in my stomach, and I guess reminded me of the support I have in India. I don't want to speak in metaphors or complex sentences because I want to be as literal as possible with my recount of my experiences. I really did pity myself last night, throwing up again and again. In this discomfort, the trip became all about me and no longer about the people of Kolkata. I am worried this lapse in priorities foreshadows what will happen when I get home. I am grateful that we are not in the late Hotel Emirates next door, even in being sick, I am privileged in the resources aiding me to get better. Lots of thoughts on privilege recently, before and now on this trip. Yesterday a beggar pulled on my hand for food and I ignored him. I didn't even look back. I guess that's been on my mind a little bit. Sorry if this blog is a bit dark, if it wasn't I'd worry that it wasn't how I was truly feeling.