Looking Inside

Richard Boswell

                                   

Over the past week the boys have been given the chance to essentially reflect on what we saw, experienced and felt in Kolkata. However, it seems that I have been having problems with doing this; whenever I have a moment to sit back by myself and truly reflect and accept what I saw in Kolkata, to put it simply, I chicken out.

I have come to the conclusion that the reason behind this is that I am afraid to look inside in fear of what I might find, or more specifically how I might react.

What if I feel sadness like I never have before?                                                        What if the pity I feel for the children and adults who live in slums such as Brooklyn is too overwhelming and it causes pain? (Like I said I'm a chicken.)

What if I feel a sense of hopelessness?                                                                          As I look closer and see more of India, the waves of despair that wash over me get stronger. My first few days in India filled me with a determined feeling that one day I would come back here and help stop the immense poverty but it seems now that I have come to the realization that there is only so much people can do to try cure India of its major problems. Because at the end of the day, in a country nearing 1.4 billion people, to think that it is possible for everyone to live a healthy lifestyle with a decent income is a piper's dream. Don't get me wrong I still believe that there is a lot of potential for improvement in this already incredible country but like I said before, only so much can be done.

Finally, what if I feel nothing?                                                                                          This is perhaps my worst fear that I might experience through 'looking inside'. What if I get to the end of this roller-coaster, hop off, and while all my friends yarn about how amazing all the sharp twists and turns were, I stand in the corner not understanding what all the hype was about?

I guess at the end of the day there is only one way to know what I will feel, it could be tomorrow or not till the end of the tour when I 'look inside'.                                            I'm not sure if what I have said makes much sense, in all honesty I don't believe my words have done my feelings justice but I guess it will have to do for now.