A More Personal Note

Roni Chapman

I think I wanted Kolkata to hit me harder than it did. When I pictured the India trip I thought I would be brought down to being close to tears by seeing what I saw in Kolkata. I think I wanted this because I believe it would build me as a character. When Kolkata was unable to bring me to this emotional state I was confused about who I am, and I was disappointed in myself as a member of the trip and an individual. I was disappointed because while a few other boys were telling me they would break if they stayed any longer in Kolkata, I found myself to love the place. I felt like I was missing out on the full experience even though I saw what they saw. I felt as though I was perhaps not as emotionally rich as these other boys.

I think I blocked myself from the negativity of poverty and only saw the happiness of smiling faces, and felt guilty that I was only able to fully engage in this part of life here. I think the negativity was too overwhelming for me to handle so I naturally blocked it out. I am now scared that as the trip progresses, the full effect of this negativity 'should have had on me' will creep up on me, take me by surprise and hit me when I least expect it.

 Personally, it is difficult for me to write about the emotional nature of the trip because I think suppressing emotion is perhaps part of who I am. Maybe I have trained myself into not feeling too heavy emotion because I would like to avoid feeling too up or too down. My past 2 blogs have kind of shied away from talking about how I'm feeling on a deeper level, and I think this might replicate who I am. In this blog I feel as though I am not even feeling like I'm properly expressing myself now but it's the best I can do.